Q) I am a woman, who al-Hamdulillah, Allah guided to the straight path of Islam.
I do my best to follow Allahs deen, but I need some advise on some problems in relation to my husband.
I must tell you that the situation in our marriage is somewhat strained. Only a few months ago I came to the point when I asked my husband for a divorce because he neglected his Salaat even though he had been told about his duties, and he also had developed a bad habit of threatening with divorce and actually throwing me out of the house when he lost his temper. But when he realised that I was actually going to leave him, he repented and changed his ways, so I withdrew my question and returned. But there is still some tension between us. This is mostly due to the fact that as it is today, my husbands eeman is weaker than mine. I do not think I am perfect, and I know I also make mistakes. But I constantly see my husband doing things that are wrong (both things haram and makruh), and I cannot restrain myself and not speak to him about it. This is for example like using bad language in front of our daughter, or biting and kissing her in places where she should rather learn shyness, etc. When I tell him that it is not good to do these things, and sometimes I am able to give evidence from Qur'an and Sunna, he will either say that he knows this, and then continue with what he is doing, or become angry and tell me to mind my own business. This is a source of irritation for both me and my husband, and we are losing patience with each other. My question is: What is my test from Allah here? Is it not my duty to inform or remind him of what is right when I know it? Or should I be patient with him and wait till he finds out for himself, because he has started to read Islamic books. The reason I need some advise on this issue, is that my husband is getting quite annoyed with these reminders, and I am losing patience and becoming angry when he doesen't listen. Please try to give some advise, and please show the evidence from Qur'an or Sunnah that you lay to ground for your advise.
A) Praise be to Allaah.
We praise Allaah for having blessed you and guided you to obey Him and please Him, and that your husband has been guided to change the way he treats you. We hope that this will give you hope that your husband will improve and mend his ways, in sha Allah.
You should note that a righteous woman can change many of her husband’s attitude and habits, if she goes about doing so in a wise and kindly manner, without being hasty.
Some husbands are put off by repeated advice from their wives, especially if that is in the presence of their children, because they may see that as an affront to their dignity or a belittling of their character.
Hence you should pay proper attention to that, and choose the right moment to advise him from time to time. You should also be kind and loving towards him when offering advice, in the hope that he will respond. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Invite (mankind, O Muhammad) to the way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Revelation and the Qur’aan) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better”
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Kindness is not present in a thing but it makes it beautiful, and it is not missing from a thing but it makes it ugly.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2594, from the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her).
The husband is the most deserving of people to be treated kindly, because of his status and position.
We advise you to use various means to accomplish your mission, such as giving him some tapes and books, or bringing them home and leaving them near him, turning to Allaah and asking Him to put things right between you and to open your husband’s heart so that he will know the truth and act in accordance with it.
And Allaah knows best.